Stuck

I read somewhere that writing about you might draw us closer.  That maybe if I clothe you with language, you'll become more visible. But that makes me nervous because it causes such intense feelings to rise up that I can barely breathe.

HOW DO PEOPLE DO THIS?!

When I imagine talking to you, I cry.  So I can only write to you at certain times. But I know you're okay with that.  Our relationship has changed and I'm trying to figure it out.  The trauma from "that day" is starting to heal.  The images burned into my mind can now be tucked away for when I choose to remember. 

For four years, I knew you would die. And that overshadowed everything else.  I had to make sure we spent quality time together, that I took pictures of you, that I comforted you.  I didn't want you to be scared.  That was all I could think about.  You're scared.

After your surgery, Dad and I waited in a small room.  I prayed Dr. Lucybeth got it all.  She had to.  When she came into the room, I knew.  I could tell by the look on her face. She said the cancer was in the lining of your stomach. Stage 4.  I burst into tears.  Dad had an anxiety attack. We stayed in the little room for a while. We got sympathetic looks from staff as they walked past the open door. Me sitting in one chair crying. Dad in the other, waiting for his heart to stop racing. He apologized to me. He was sorry that he couldn't do a better job of comforting me in that horrific moment.

I didn't want you to be alone when you heard.  But when we finally got to you, you were crying. I was so angry. I didn't want you to be scared.  As the three of us hugged and cried, I felt like a little girl again.  It's hard to even describe.  We were back to the original "us".  Our family of three at 263 Crow's Nest Road.

I wonder if I did all the right things during our last 24 hours.  I don't think you knew you were dying.  You asked us why we were crying and told us that you were feeling much better.  Every day I remember you saying, "I feel peaceful." I wanted to say goodbye so badly but didn't want to scare you.  We had already said our goodbyes.  We had already told each other, I'm gonna miss you.  I hope you could hear us while we sat with you all night. I hope you weren't scared.